Every Girl's Dream

my mom is back from taiwan after being away for two months and yesterday was the first time i had talked to her and i always leave these conversations more stressed, more unsure of what i'm doing and where i'm headed in the future. it's funny because in the past few years, she has been dividing her time between taiwan and san diego and leaving for two sometimes three months at a time and during the time that she is gone, i rarely have any communication with her except for a couple of emails here and there. someone asked me once if i knew how to get a hold of her if there was an emergency and the answer was no. i have no idea what my grandparent's number over there is, i do know that the country code is 011 though and i would probably have to call around to some aunts and uncles here to figure out how to get in contact with her. while this might seem odd to some, it's perfectly normal for me and i surmise for jon as well since our dad always traveled for business and it was just something that i became accustomed to.

but as i was saying, it seems that everytime i talk to her recently, i get off the phone with my head spinning and thinking about dating in your 30's and what that really means. does it really mean that i don't have much time left and i need to stop fucking around and think of things long term? that i have to decide within the first couple of months whether the relationship is going anywhere and to cut it off if it doesn't? typically i usually just jump into a relationship without any real thought of where it's heading and what has always happened is that we'll date somewhere in between 1.5 to 2 years and then break up. the problem is as my mom has told me several times is that i don't have that luxury anymore because by the time that happens, i will then be 32 and obviously who would ever want to date an old hag at that age right?

part of me just chalks it up to typical asian mom syndrome but then part of me is really starting to soak in everything that she's saying and more than before i find myself starting to think about getting hitched and having kids and whether i need to change my dating mentality or not. i had a friend say to me once that he didn't think i would be happy getting married and living that "lifestyle". i've been having more and more friends these days question the institution of marriage and whether they even believe in it and would want to get married at all which is a complete 180 from what i grew up with. i always imagined myself with the typical white picket fence scenario but maybe that just isn't me. but deep down i know that i do want to get married and even am starting to think that i do want kids but what i may need to come to terms with is that my timeframe is just a little slower than the average and just accept that fact and not feel so much pressure just because i've hit the magical 3-0.

i think this is why i'm so looking forward to seeing revolutionary road next week because watching one of my biggest fears played out right before me on the big screen might be kind of therapeutic while frightening at the same time. a couple of lines from the synopsis.

"idealistic relationship steadily deteriorates into a ceaseless cycle of petty jealousy and bickering as they strive to retain their independence in the conformity-obsessed world of picket fences and perfectly manicured lawns"

"Frank and April gradually become the very thing that they both feared most--a typical suburban family complete with abandoned dreams and faded hopes. Frank loses his nerve after taking a comfortable job with a reliable salary, and April morphs into an unsatisfied homemaker desperate for passion and excitement."