everyone says the 20's are the best years of your life and so far i'd have to agree so i think that is why i have this fear of creeping towards my 30's and the big 3-0 is not too far away. i wonder, is there a turning point when you no longer think of yourself as a big kid and start acting and being more grown up? i myself feel no closer to wanting to go out less and settling down and for some reason or other i'm starting to feel the pressure. this in itself is pretty mind boggling to me because really besides my mom no one else has ever really bugged me about this and yet, i feel it. i see 30 as being the magic age for when a girl should either be engaged or married and when i look back on my past four years, it seems to have blown by in a blur so my next four will probably be the same.

it probably doesn't help that i seem to have become quite jaded in my outlook on marriage. i really can't imagine at this point wanting to spend forty plus years with just one person and ultimately doesn't it all just become dull in the long run anyways? it must i feel. i watched desperate housewives the other day and although it's sad that most marriages result in divorce, affairs and custody battles over kids it's reality and the way it is. although i still do hold the belief that my marriage will work out sucessfully the odds aren't working in my favor. not to mention that i'm not all that crazy about kids either. i don't seem to have a maternal bone in my body. back in my early twenties i used to think that it would just come to me but now i'm not so sure. i don't find babies adorable. cute at times but only if they have chubby cheeks. to me they're annoying and always need constant attention and what i'd really like to do is just plop them down in front of the tv so they won't bother me. i could possibly never get married at the rate i'm going.

and yet i'm a sap for those cheesy love stories and i love it when i'm in the mode of really liking someone and thinking about them all the time and looking forward to their phone calls and the little butterflies in your stomache...i dig all of that but it never lasts too long. either they get bored or i get bored. as i told my friend the other night, i tend to like guys who are assholes. or rather i like to say guys with asshole tendencies. yes there is a big difference. the ones who don't call when they say they will. the ones who go out and party all night long and get into drunken stupors all the time. the ones who cancel dates on you at the last minute when you've been looking forward to it all day long. and then they'll turn around and do something completely nice and unexpected and you soak in it for as long as you can. these are the ones who in my past i've been crazy about and have inevitably been dumped by only to have them come back months or years later to tell me that they regretted it. not like that does me any good. these days, i'm content with hanging out with friends and if possible, it would be nice to find someone who liked going out just as much as me but at the same time still had all of their shit together. now that shouldn't be so hard should it?

what i'm really trying to say is i don't see why everyone who have hit their mid twenties suddenly become in a rush to meet someone because really these are the only years you're allowed to do whatever you want and be completely selfish and why wouldn't you want to extend that out for a few more years if possible but with society these days, it seems to be a big taboo and that's what i'm struggling with.

my penchant for drinking has been the talks of late and i think maybe just maybe i'm starting to see what the fuss is all about. just maybe though. my internet guru pointed out to me earlier today an entry i had written back on january 27, 2002. more than two and a half years ago.

"and i kept to my resolution of not drinking. not even one sip. i haven't gone clubbing where i was sober in a while and i must say, it dawned on me how sleazy clubbing really is. watching guys hit on girls who have no clue what is going on and seeing everyone, girls mainly, throwing up everywhere...on the floor, in the bathroom...so not sanitary. towards the end of the night, i was ready to leave and as i was watching drunk people spill out of the club, i kept thinking this is what i was like just last week. very embarrassing."

the thing is i read this and can still remember distinctively how i felt watching those girls fall all over themselves and stumbling around in their high heels and having to be helped out of the club and puking their guts out on the sidewalk and well i've become one of those girls. it used to just be sometimes but these days it's turning more into a routine event. i'm sure my friends can recount to you the countless times i've cut everyone's night short due to my puking or attitudes of insisting on walking on the sidewalk without shoes and while it always made for a fun time i can't remember shit the next morning. welcome to the world of blackouts. something i've never really had a problem with and thought it was pretty normal until recently. personally i don't see what the fuss is all about. it's bound to happen if you drink enough but i suppose if i wasn't surrounded by friends who watch over me, i would not be so nonchalant about it as i am now.

it's not as if i'm an alcoholic because personally that stuff tastes like shit. no way around it but the problem is when i go out these days, i really can't go sober. or at least i prefer not to. i need to be slightly buzzed at a minimum in order to maximize my fun. now what's wrong with that? nothing i was told except and this is a big except at the ripe old age of 26 i still don't know what my limit is. some nights i can go out and have ten shots and be perfectly fine. other nights i have half that and am puking my shitake mushrooms out whole on the sidewalk. nice picture isn't it?

so what to do what to do. i can't very well not drink anymore and i can't very well not go out and we all know going out and drinking go hand in hand. especially when one lives in the city. the thing is and this is why shit talking always comes back to bite you in the ass (and yes if you can believe it, i'm trying not to shit talk as much now either although frankly i don't see it as shit talking. it's more being honest and telling it as how you see it but too bad not everyone agrees). anyways i always used to hate those who went out and got assed out every single time we went clubbing because well someone always had to babysit and it was just annoying and although i don't think i've quite reached that level yet (i mean come on, you can't count my birthday. that's a get out of jail free card for sure) i'm going to make an effort to maybe just maybe watch how much i'm drinking and not go in with the mentality that i need to get fucked up right away (bring on the shots!) and we'll go from there. because really at my age i really shouldn't be doing that shit anymore but at the same time i need to find a happy medium to get all this out of my system before i'm forced to settle down. and that my friend is my blog for the day.