Da Curious

everyone says the 20's are the best years of your life and so far i'd have to agree so i think that is why i have this fear of creeping towards my 30's and the big 3-0 is not too far away. i wonder, is there a turning point when you no longer think of yourself as a big kid and start acting and being more grown up? i myself feel no closer to wanting to go out less and settling down and for some reason or other i'm starting to feel the pressure. this in itself is pretty mind boggling to me because really besides my mom no one else has ever really bugged me about this and yet, i feel it. i see 30 as being the magic age for when a girl should either be engaged or married and when i look back on my past four years, it seems to have blown by in a blur so my next four will probably be the same.

it probably doesn't help that i seem to have become quite jaded in my outlook on marriage. i really can't imagine at this point wanting to spend forty plus years with just one person and ultimately doesn't it all just become dull in the long run anyways? it must i feel. i watched desperate housewives the other day and although it's sad that most marriages result in divorce, affairs and custody battles over kids it's reality and the way it is. although i still do hold the belief that my marriage will work out sucessfully the odds aren't working in my favor. not to mention that i'm not all that crazy about kids either. i don't seem to have a maternal bone in my body. back in my early twenties i used to think that it would just come to me but now i'm not so sure. i don't find babies adorable. cute at times but only if they have chubby cheeks. to me they're annoying and always need constant attention and what i'd really like to do is just plop them down in front of the tv so they won't bother me. i could possibly never get married at the rate i'm going.

and yet i'm a sap for those cheesy love stories and i love it when i'm in the mode of really liking someone and thinking about them all the time and looking forward to their phone calls and the little butterflies in your stomache...i dig all of that but it never lasts too long. either they get bored or i get bored. as i told my friend the other night, i tend to like guys who are assholes. or rather i like to say guys with asshole tendencies. yes there is a big difference. the ones who don't call when they say they will. the ones who go out and party all night long and get into drunken stupors all the time. the ones who cancel dates on you at the last minute when you've been looking forward to it all day long. and then they'll turn around and do something completely nice and unexpected and you soak in it for as long as you can. these are the ones who in my past i've been crazy about and have inevitably been dumped by only to have them come back months or years later to tell me that they regretted it. not like that does me any good. these days, i'm content with hanging out with friends and if possible, it would be nice to find someone who liked going out just as much as me but at the same time still had all of their shit together. now that shouldn't be so hard should it?

what i'm really trying to say is i don't see why everyone who have hit their mid twenties suddenly become in a rush to meet someone because really these are the only years you're allowed to do whatever you want and be completely selfish and why wouldn't you want to extend that out for a few more years if possible but with society these days, it seems to be a big taboo and that's what i'm struggling with.