i can't sleep. so of course what do i do. watch late night music videos and surf the internet. on a whim of nostalgia i go back and read old emails which probably isn't the greatest idea in the world but basically, certain people or events have designated folders and it's not long before i get to the folder titled "dad".

sometimes friends will ask every once in a while the same old question. have you dealt and come to terms with it? i usually just say whatever i feel like at the moment with a short yes or no answer because truthfully i don't even really know myself and don't care to elaborate. but tonight i re-read all the emails i got in response to the one i sent out and i was pretty amazed at what everyone wrote. true most of it was the same generic stuff that i would write also but just knowing that all these people cared was pretty surprising. i'm not sure why but half of the emails i don't even really remember receiving and reading much less filing away. i really must thank my anal side.

but anyways, on to another topic...now i'm watching christina aguilera's "beautiful" video and i must say, it really is a shame she dresses like a slut now since she is quite talented and her new songs are actually pretty good. for some reason, i'm really drawn to the "dirty" video but come on, cover the butt crack please.

i went to go look at cars over the weekend and the moment i stepped onto the lot, i immediately turned into a shy, intimidated 12 year old. the last time i went car shopping and actually test drove cars was with my dad when i was a freshman in college. one would think that after 4 years of college and 2 years in the workforce i would be a little more confident but nope. i found myself letting chris do all the talking and agreeing with his statements and only answering when questions were directed at me. so you're the one looking to buy a car? uh yes. do you have any questions about the car? uh nope. then i would secretly whisper questions for chris to ask him on the side.

we went to the bmw dealership first and i was so intimidated and caught off guard by the rudeness of the sales staff that we left before even asking for a test drive. not only was i rebuffed once or twice, but three times. once when the guy told me to not look or touch the car on display (go look at the one in the showroom he says). then when chris asked where the 3 series was the guy held up his hand, said hold on and kept on walking. then while we were checking out cars no one came over to talk to us or offer a test drive. i know i look young but still...i'm so tempted to go back with my new car, assuming i get one, and rub it in the dealership's face as chris suggested.

but this whole process has made think about when i'll start feeling like an "adult". even at 24 i still feel as if i act and think like a kid. i see others who are either younger or the same age as me who seem so much more grown-up and i wonder, when will i become like that? i don't go to nice restaurants to eat or sit and drink wine and chat with my friends. most of the activities i do indulge in haven't changed much since college. clubbing, video games, boba runs. in less than a year, i'll be a person that is a quarter of a century old stuck with a teenager mentality. maybe i'll just wake up one morning and be magically transformed.

i want a dog. when i saw this picture i was like ohhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh (can't beat the lambdas baby) but no really. my future husband must be dog friendly. it's pretty pointless for me to get one now, besides the fact that vu hates them, since i'm never home and don't think i'd have the patience to potty train it or take it on walks but when i'm more domesticated, i definitely want one. growing up jon and i were never allowed to have pets (or i should say, any pets not contained in a cage) and there are its advantages. our house never had dog hair. we were able to decorate with glass figurines and not worry about breakage. but even so, i'm getting one hopefully before i turn 30.

i used to want a bulldog but after some research i decided it's not for me. grace is getting one anyways so i'll just play with hers and dog sit if necessary. now i don't know what i want anymore. something big enough i can sleep with without worrying about crushing it, but then small enough for me to still think it's cute. have you noticed most dogs lose its charm after it's full grown? it's too bad we can't lease puppies because i don't think i'd mind trading for a new puppy every 2 years before it turns old and ugly. oh, and no drooling. that is a definite no-no.

i went to eat dinner with josh yesterday and besides getting some of the wedding details for my "in the loop" buddy nancy ( i would link her here but she no longers blogs) we started talking about work, happiness and christianity of course. he's been pulling some hellish hours for the past couple of weeks (6am - 10pm daily) but yet his attitude was pretty amazing. i don't want to make this blog about religion, i'll save it for another time, but i found myself asking him all sorts of questions about how and when and why. i'm really not into religion or ever have been but lately i've noticed most of them all have this aura of calm and peace about them which really appeals to me.

for the past couple months now it seems all i do is complain about work and i hate it. not the work itself although that too but more the person i am becoming. no motivation. no energy. no zest for life if you will. and i don't think i'm the only one who feels this way. i honestly think i'd be much happier with a job where i won't need to work so many hours or worry about deadlines and budgets and if that means i'd be making less money...that's ok with me too. as my friend said it feels as if you're making even more money since you work less hours and are really able to do the things you want to do and life is about so much more than work. now the only problem is what i want to do.

but then again, my other thinking is either jon or i will hit the lottery, win it big and then i won't need to be in this dilemma and am able to sleep in till whenever.