Who Needs Muscle Tone?

i've been trying to be on this get in shape kick lately and i'm failing miserably. i'm starting to think that i need to hit the gym 24/7 and eat nothing in order to lose some weight and become toned and actually look like i workout on a consistent basis. it's real frustrating when i go to the gym now more than i ever have in my life but i look exactly the same if not bigger. tell me, how is this possible?

it seems these days that everyone i know regularly goes to the gym or does some type of physical activity to keep in shape. san diego is known as a mecca for hot bodies but for some reason, maybe it was because i was just naturally thin back then and it wasn't really a priority or no one really talked about it but i only had one or two friends who would go to the gym on a normal basis and everyone else seemed to just eat whatever they wanted with no real exercise regimen at all. but here, in sf, everyone works out. and not just workout a day or two here and there but at least 3 or 4 times a week and they aren't wussies about it either. they're either training for a half/full marathon or going for a "light" jog of 7 to 8 miles and doing weights on top of that. it's almost as if running here is a requisite for being a city dweller and your the odd man out if your not doing some type of physical activity regularly.

i still haven't been able to get myself to be on a consistent schedule for running because it's usually dark by the time i get home to run outdoors and i can't stand the treadmill. then on weekends, i almost always choose kickboxing class over running and there's no way i could/would do both on the same day. i'm starting to think that i need to just kickbox on weekdays and stick to running on weekends and then am i supposed to fit in weights there too? i don't know how people do it. i took a weights and kickboxing class back to back the other day and was pretty much dying and cursing myself throughout but surprisingly, i wasn't as sore as i thought i would be the next day which kind of makes me wonder if i'm doing something wrong.

in my effort to get in shape, i started a food log two months ago and have been real diligent in writing down everything that i eat everyday. down to how many thin mints or pringles i would consume (yes i counted) to the point where i was starting to write down a bite of tuna melt or a taste of so and so's sandwich that it started getting a little too ridiculous. this actually helped me regulate myself a lot until a couple weeks into it, i decided to do the master cleanse for a week and after my time was up, i was so hungry and devoured whatever i wanted for the week after that it was really hard for me to get back on track.

you would think for the amount of time i spend obsessing about what i eat or feeling guilty everytime after a big pig-out session, i would be in a little better shape than i am now but i'm not. i was told recently by someone that they thought i had an eating disorder and in thinking about it, i think maybe i do. not in a i'm anorexic or bulimic way but in that i have an unhealthy relationship with food but then again, what girl doesn't? even bethany frankel, a health food chef on real housewives in her new book basically touts taking small bites of everything even for regular meals (or so they say in reading some of her book reviews) that by the end of the day, she only consumes 700 or 800 calories a day. if i did that, i would be just as skinny too and she's a health chef by profession! that doesn't sound very healthy to me.

so i guess for the time being, i'll keep on writing in my food log and going to my kickboxing classes because it keeps me sane and maybe miraculously one of these days, i'll finally develop some muscle tone and maybe just maybe be able to do a real pull-up if my life depends on it.