i can't sleep. so of course what do i do. watch late night music videos and surf the internet. on a whim of nostalgia i go back and read old emails which probably isn't the greatest idea in the world but basically, certain people or events have designated folders and it's not long before i get to the folder titled "dad".

sometimes friends will ask every once in a while the same old question. have you dealt and come to terms with it? i usually just say whatever i feel like at the moment with a short yes or no answer because truthfully i don't even really know myself and don't care to elaborate. but tonight i re-read all the emails i got in response to the one i sent out and i was pretty amazed at what everyone wrote. true most of it was the same generic stuff that i would write also but just knowing that all these people cared was pretty surprising. i'm not sure why but half of the emails i don't even really remember receiving and reading much less filing away. i really must thank my anal side.

but anyways, on to another topic...now i'm watching christina aguilera's "beautiful" video and i must say, it really is a shame she dresses like a slut now since she is quite talented and her new songs are actually pretty good. for some reason, i'm really drawn to the "dirty" video but come on, cover the butt crack please.

i went to go look at cars over the weekend and the moment i stepped onto the lot, i immediately turned into a shy, intimidated 12 year old. the last time i went car shopping and actually test drove cars was with my dad when i was a freshman in college. one would think that after 4 years of college and 2 years in the workforce i would be a little more confident but nope. i found myself letting chris do all the talking and agreeing with his statements and only answering when questions were directed at me. so you're the one looking to buy a car? uh yes. do you have any questions about the car? uh nope. then i would secretly whisper questions for chris to ask him on the side.

we went to the bmw dealership first and i was so intimidated and caught off guard by the rudeness of the sales staff that we left before even asking for a test drive. not only was i rebuffed once or twice, but three times. once when the guy told me to not look or touch the car on display (go look at the one in the showroom he says). then when chris asked where the 3 series was the guy held up his hand, said hold on and kept on walking. then while we were checking out cars no one came over to talk to us or offer a test drive. i know i look young but still...i'm so tempted to go back with my new car, assuming i get one, and rub it in the dealership's face as chris suggested.

but this whole process has made think about when i'll start feeling like an "adult". even at 24 i still feel as if i act and think like a kid. i see others who are either younger or the same age as me who seem so much more grown-up and i wonder, when will i become like that? i don't go to nice restaurants to eat or sit and drink wine and chat with my friends. most of the activities i do indulge in haven't changed much since college. clubbing, video games, boba runs. in less than a year, i'll be a person that is a quarter of a century old stuck with a teenager mentality. maybe i'll just wake up one morning and be magically transformed.

i want a dog. when i saw this picture i was like ohhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh (can't beat the lambdas baby) but no really. my future husband must be dog friendly. it's pretty pointless for me to get one now, besides the fact that vu hates them, since i'm never home and don't think i'd have the patience to potty train it or take it on walks but when i'm more domesticated, i definitely want one. growing up jon and i were never allowed to have pets (or i should say, any pets not contained in a cage) and there are its advantages. our house never had dog hair. we were able to decorate with glass figurines and not worry about breakage. but even so, i'm getting one hopefully before i turn 30.

i used to want a bulldog but after some research i decided it's not for me. grace is getting one anyways so i'll just play with hers and dog sit if necessary. now i don't know what i want anymore. something big enough i can sleep with without worrying about crushing it, but then small enough for me to still think it's cute. have you noticed most dogs lose its charm after it's full grown? it's too bad we can't lease puppies because i don't think i'd mind trading for a new puppy every 2 years before it turns old and ugly. oh, and no drooling. that is a definite no-no.

i went to eat dinner with josh yesterday and besides getting some of the wedding details for my "in the loop" buddy nancy ( i would link her here but she no longers blogs) we started talking about work, happiness and christianity of course. he's been pulling some hellish hours for the past couple of weeks (6am - 10pm daily) but yet his attitude was pretty amazing. i don't want to make this blog about religion, i'll save it for another time, but i found myself asking him all sorts of questions about how and when and why. i'm really not into religion or ever have been but lately i've noticed most of them all have this aura of calm and peace about them which really appeals to me.

for the past couple months now it seems all i do is complain about work and i hate it. not the work itself although that too but more the person i am becoming. no motivation. no energy. no zest for life if you will. and i don't think i'm the only one who feels this way. i honestly think i'd be much happier with a job where i won't need to work so many hours or worry about deadlines and budgets and if that means i'd be making less money...that's ok with me too. as my friend said it feels as if you're making even more money since you work less hours and are really able to do the things you want to do and life is about so much more than work. now the only problem is what i want to do.

but then again, my other thinking is either jon or i will hit the lottery, win it big and then i won't need to be in this dilemma and am able to sleep in till whenever.

every may and november a dark cloud looms over my head as the cpa exam rolls around. i took the exam again yesterday and to the all asked question did you pass? i'd have to say no but it's not a big surprise considering i only cracked open my book once. everytime it gets around this time the thought of studying always seems to plague me but this time around i had even less motivation to study than before. sure everyone keeps telling me to get something out of public accounting and it's a waste to stop now since you're more than halfway there to be certified but none of these reasons have struck a chord in me. none of them have made a light bulb go off in my head or motivate me to open those darn books.

what i'm missing i really don't know. do i want to be certified? sure it's nice on the resume but i could really care less now. i've pretty much determined the only reason why i keep signing up everytime and wasting my money is for three letters. m-o-m. she doesn't really bring up the topic much anymore but on those times when she would ask if i've been studying and my answer would always be no i could hear a little sigh of disappointment.

but alas i think me sitting for the exam yesterday instead of just skipping it entirely and going shopping (which i've done twice before) did me some good. the exams are a throwback to SAT days. sitting in a big room with little bubble sheets in front of you. raising your hand to go to the bathroom and getting a pass only to have someone monitoring the restrooms in fear we'll pass answers on to each other. no talking allowed! me waiting the two hours to be over so i can leave. but all this for some odd reason has made me feel a little more motivated to study the next time around. maybe it's because i found the tests doable if i've only studied. i'm just hoping this new wave of motivation will last until next may or november.

i got my first feedback on ebay yesterday. "Smooth transaction, quick payment, a great ebayer" it said. imagine my elation. i couldn't believe it. finally i don't have a zero next to my name. finally i have some if very small clout when bidding. i love it. i can see why ebay could potentially be so addicting. i've been scouring listings for the past couple weeks for my sega "official" dreamcast gun. it must be official. i won't accept any others. i won my first one a couple weeks ago but the person never responded to any of my emails. i sent email after email after email and my final one ended with "if i don't hear anything from you soon i'll be forced to leave negative feedback". but in fear of getting negative feedback myself and gasp! being in the negatives, i chickened out. it's amazing how assertive i can be over email. but now i don't have to worry. i won another one and i'm no longer a zero.

i've even learned some tricks of bidding too. the most important being never bid until the last minute. i even wrote down the time my auction ended in my planner so i could make sure i was near a computer. it's all quite tricky. you can't do it too soon because then you might get oubid at the last minute but then you don't want to do it too late in case your computer freezes. tragedy. one must take all scenarios into consideration.

now i just need one more gun to complete my pair and in the meantime i'm anxiously awaiting the arrival so i can start playing my games.

i've pretty much determined that from here on out, it really is a necessity for me to have my own bathroom. and even better if it's connected to my room. ever since i moved up to san jose i've really been quite lucky to have my own bathroom connected to my room at each one of my places. for some odd reason, i've been having to wake up in the middle of the night to pee a lot. and this is what has led to my conclusion. it's so easy to just roll out of bed and walk half blind and crawl back in... but imagine if you shared with someone else. you'll have to put on a sweater and glasses and hope they don't come out of their room at the same time.

my luck with bathrooms really has been quite extraordinary. when i was younger i only had to share with jon and since my mom was a neat freak i could count on the cleaning lady coming in every so often to clean out the dirty stuff. now you're probably thinking, but jon is so into being sanitary. alas, that is not true. but only when he's living at home i've determined. i've never seen him clean our bathroom with the fervor he did at avalon. even i was quite amazed when i went to visit and had to report back to my mom. i'm sure she was glad to know her clean genes have rubbed off on both of us.

but when i think of the times i had to take showers in the dorm room at michigan i really do cringe. the worst is when you go after a girl and they still have their wet hair hanging on the walls. or when there are hardly any lights like the ones at ocean during love boat and you just try to soap and shampoo as quickly as possible. i even used to take showers at the gym but now i would never do that. it's really just not sanitary or appeasing.

currently there's a housekeeper that comes in to clean the place every month and last time she was here vu said she wanted extra money because my room is so hard to clean. i was quite offended by that. i didn't think my room was that dirty. i even asked grace and samuel when they were here visiting and she had to concur with my sentiments. my room and bathroom is no dirtier than anyone else's. and that is final.

our place just got a little better. vu bought a ps2 last week so now we have that, my dreamcast and the xbox that makes an occassional appearance every now and then. i still haven't found a game i like as much as virtual tennis but i've taken a little break from that for now. for those who are wondering, i lost at the video game tournament but in my defense it was a really close game. the first set even went to tie-breaker. at least i was able to back up my trash talking a little bit and i'm learning to not cuss as much when i play. it's not ladylike.

and just two weeks ago i was informed that we now get all the pay-per-view channels but somehow it wasn't working this weekend but vu said he would take care of it. it's nice having someone who's tech savvy as your roomate. can't get online? ask vu. the printer isn't working? ask vu. pay per view isn't working? ask vu. then it's all fixed by the time i get home. it's quite nice i tell you. once when the internet wasn't working i attempted to try to fix it myself since vu was out of town and i kept switching blue cables around and turning stuff off and on but nope nothing worked. so i just waited till vu got home.

but now that we have all these video game systems, dumplings in the freezer and free movies 24/7, i see myself becoming even more of a couch potato than i am now. i truly am addicted to the tv. sometimes i watch the same show twice just because there's nothing else good on. the past couple weeks, i got all caught up my howard stern episodes, trading spaces, and any e! or mtv shows. heck, this past weekend i went home friday night and didn't venture out again until sunday afternoon. and now the ps2 and pay per view gives me even less reasons to leave the house. uh oh.

i'm listening to "say i yi yi" by the ying yang twins right now and everytime i hear it it makes me want to do situps. one of my instructors for kickboxing always does this 10 minute ab workout at the end and she's been using this song the last two times i've gone to class. it's really quite catchy. our routine goes arm up other arm up elbow to knee other elbow to knee and zigzag on down. or something to that effect. when i first heard the song i couldn't quite make out what the lyrics were so i thought they were actually saying knee and elbow and i was quite impressed with how everything fit together. but of course i was wrong. who can understand what they're saying anyways. sometimes we do this kicking sequence to no doubt's "hella good" and that song always gets me pumped up too. that and "family affair" by mary j blige are my current get me pumped up music.

"It has been this author's observation that Asian girls have a tendency to "put out" to guys more quickly than women of other ethnicities. I have seen girls that offer to have sex on first and second dates or just go straight to third base on the first date. Given our culture, this is not something that would seem incredibly unusual since our cultural programming constantly bombards us with images of sex. The new show on Fox about people living in dorms portrays sex as something that is easy to get and that women running around in their bras is normal in college. This is the kind of mentality that permeates our senses from magazines, movies and TV. Despite this, it seems like Asian girls put out more often than white ones, which is probably because Asian girls suffer from lower self-esteem for reasons which I will specify."

intrigued? read the entire article.

so i was at kickboxing class last night and i hadn't seen my instructor for quite a while, a couple months actually seeing how i fell off my workout routine almost as soon as i started it, but i digress...i saw her and it struck me how good she looked. now she had always been in shape but today in particular she looked so much leaner and i could see muscles popping out of her back and biceps that i never noticed before. this quite befuddled me as how is it possible for her to get this fit in three months? but then halfway through the class i realized what it was...she was tan!

now i've always heard that you look skinnier and more toned when you have a tan but wow...i never realized how much it actually helps. it's amazing. heck everyone should get a tan. or well i would imagine most people living in california has one but i'm still waiting for the summer when my face, arms and legs will all be one color. as i get older all my mom's paranoia about being in the sun seems to have rubbed off on me as well. i'm much more reluctant to just sit out in the sun and tan besides the fact that it's probably one of the most boring things to do. i suppose i could use those self-tanners but it seems like too much trouble for something that is only temporary.

but...my miracle has arrived. anna told me yesterday about this machine that sprays self-tanner on you and it comes out even. can you imagine? you walk in this little booth and then boom, you walk out and you're all one color. this is certainly the best invention i've heard of in quite some time. now if i can only find one in the san jose area.

what is it with guys liking girls with long hair? i've never really noticed this until i cut my hair short and all i hear these days now is awwww you can't put it into a ponytail anymore. or when are you going to grow it back? or the worst, you look like a little boy. uh yes send more compliments my way please. and no, this blog is not a hidden plea for them. i guess if i was a guy i can see the appeal of long hair but i wonder, why are guys so against short hair in the first place? you can still play with it but there just isn't as much to play with i suppose. it still smells good and well, what else is hair for really? not much.

maybe it's the image of the hot girl coming out of the water with her long hair swishing side to side ingrained in their minds. think baywatch. or maybe it's the versatility that comes with long hair. one day it can be straight, the next curly, then pigtails. the list is endless. and we know how guys like surprises.

one thing is for sure, with short hair i've become a chia pet. or at least i feel like one. more aunts and uncles and even some of my friends have been known to just come up and rub my hair for no apparent reason but oh well, i'm not complaining.

today marks my two year anniversary with work. has it really been two years since i've graduated college already? it really did seem to go by fast. in the past two years i think i've learned a couple things not only about myself but about corporate america in general. for one, i know i made the right decision in moving to san jose because i really do like it up here and i've learned that things won't fall apart when i'm on my own. sure it's always nice to have support to fall back on and i still always will in my mom but with the the event of last year when i lost someone who was undoubtfully my strongest support and believer i've felt at times i was in free-fall but yet i'm still here and chugging along.

often times i still feel as if i'm in college since i really wasn't expecting to meet and make so many great friends, some lifetime friends, who are all in the same situation as me. fresh out of college, new to the city, beginning first job and so willing to just hang out and well, have fun. without them, my life up here really would be miserable. sure i went through the post college depression of "college is the best time of your life" but i'm really enjoying post-college life more. i don't need to worry about exams, deadlines, and pulling all nighters. now i only pull all nighters when i go out clubbing and after work is over, that time is mine. for the most part anyways. and of course, another big bonus...i actually have money now but i don't do all that much since i'm pretty frugal but you get my meaning.

a couple things i've learned or experienced within the past two years:

1. everyone who has an office job is on aim. i never used to be on this thing but sadly it's now become an integral part of staying in the loop

2. the first two years isn't as bad as everyone said during recruiting. it's actually starting the third year that the hours become nuts on a consistent basis

3. more layoffs than i ever thought i would see in my lifetime

4. laziness. when i first started, i was quite excited and determined to be the good little worker but well, now my motivation is quite low. now i just look forward to weekends.

5. this one isn't quite work related but i've been pretty lucky in finding nice and normal roomates online. you wouldn't believe some of the people i met

it seems as if more and more people around my age these days are getting engaged. first was reina who got married last november and my godsister jessica was married in august. now helen's wedding is coming up in november and charlie's wedding is thanksgiving time but wait...it doesn't stop there. josh is engaged, jen just got engaged about a month or so ago and this past weekend stacy got engaged. what is going on?

i'm not sure about anyone else but i don't feel anywhere close to being ready to get married. i still feel as if i'm a kid although i've been told otherwise by my mom. "helen and jessica have got the right idea in getting married...you need to start thinking about the future." uh what? i'm only 24. i still like to think i have some time before i need to start thinking about this stuff but then when people start doing the backwards timeline thing (you know, get married by this age, engaged for 1 year, date for at least 2 years which all leads up to i should have met my future husband a couple of years ago), i feel as if i may be running out of time.

but then i look around me and lots of my friends aren't engaged and based from what i know, won't be for a while. that is a comforting thought to me since i don't see what the rush is. maybe if i wanted kids i'd be more worried but for now, i'm sitting on the fence on that one too. i remember watching this birthing video in sex-ed class in 6th grade and ever since then i haven't had any urge to have kids. plus, all they do is cry the first couple years and when they're finally old enough to take care of themselves, they end up hating you and giving you more stress.

my main reason now for even wanting kids is just out of curiosity. to see what they would look like. that would be kind of interesting but probably not the best reason. maybe i can just be content with being an aunt but then again jon is still too busy philosophizing on whether he wants kids or not. hm... i guess my mom being a grandmother as of this point is not looking too great.

i'm not sure why or how it got started but i think somehow and somewhere i've gotten the reputation of being a drunk. when i tell people i wasn't drunk on my birthday and in fact do remember everything, they seem shocked and then disappointed. hm...i think the last time i was outright drunk and puking was in january and after that, no more. the smell of hard alcohol alone can make my stomach queasy.

this blog is a bit late but i just wanted to thank everyone who sent e-cards, voicemails, text msgs and came out to dinner and clubbing. i think it topped last year merely for the fact that i didn't pass out and was able to walk myself out of the club. my tolerance held up quite well considering all the drinks everyone was buying me and no sooner had i taken one did i have another one coming. i think i was at that perfect stage where i was happy tipsy but still knew what i was doing. some highlights of the night would be cage dancing with the angels, eating ramen afterwards at enid's, skipping and singing to the car with curtis, but the topper would be bren breaking his key. i won't even go into it here but this year instead of one sacrificial lamb like last year there were two. recurring curtis and the new addition bren. thanks to poor duy who had to drive us home and to enid who had to take care of all three of us once again.

but i think everyone had a good time and sadly only one more year before i'm a quarter century old. scary.

we won! our reign as number one doubles team for virtual tennis holds true. we finally beat the game and got our trophy at the end. i can't believe it. and on my birthday too. what a great present. you don't understand, i've been trying to beat the game for the longest time but i'd always get stuck at the third level with rafter and pioline at tokyo, japan but tonight...i played the game of my life. i was unstoppable...smashing in their faces and returning shots that seemed impossible. and my only witness is bren.

so the hour i turn 24 i'm not out getting drunk or puking as many of you think, i'm sitting at home playing dreamcast and finally...mission accomplished. this was the perfect ending to my night.

i got tonsilitis again over the weekend. this would make it the third time in less than six months. pretty ridiculous if you ask me. each time i get the same symptoms right beforehand...a burning fever, dizziness, and a swollen spot on my throat. whenever i even get the inkling that it might be tonsilitis i make a doctor's appt. i'm that paranoid just because the last time i got it i was so sick i couldn't eat or do anything for two days. but this time it wasn't so bad. i popped my antibiotics as instructed and my tylenol every four to six hours for the fever and i feel as if i'm almost new. new enough to hang out with my one syllable friend group again as vi, eric, lynn and xuan came up to play.

i asked my doctor friday about the possiblity of getting them removed and all he said was "well your tonsils are quite small so i'm not sure why you're getting it so much". not quite sure what that means but i was too sick to argue but i'm going back friday and i think i'll have to put my foot down and ask to be referred to a specialist. in a nice way of course because i'm non-confrontational. then it's waiting for my mom to do some "research" with her doctor friends and hopefully i'll be eating ice-cream for a couple days. i guess that wouldn't be too bad.

i went to my first baseball game at pacbell park yesterday. one down in my mental list of places to visit. baseball games live are much more fun than when watched on television. between me getting there late and the game only lasting for eight innings (apparently if the home team is winning, they don't need to play the last inning), getting my food and finding our seats, the game was over before i knew it.

i was seating in the bleachers and i've never heard so much heckling during a game. the whole night it was teeeeeeeeeeeeeemo, teeeeeeeeeeeeemo and the chant why don't we like timo? because he's a bum! or something like that. it was all quite entertaining.

but the big disappointment of the night was the food. i was so excited to have a real baseball stadium hot dog but the chili dog i got just didn't cut it, the gilroy garlic fries were blah, and something called the cha cha bowl was a waste of $8.50. they didn't even have the dove ice cream bar stands. only ben and jerry's.

next time i'm just getting a regular hot dog with ketchup and onions.

snow bubbles. it's now my new favorite boba drink. any flavor. i've tried mango (the best), peach, and chocolate. wow. it was actually tom that told me about this new boba place, sweetea, that opened up near where i live. i thought it would be exactly like q cup which it essentially is but since it was closer, i decided i needed to test it out. am i ever glad i was feeling adventurous and deviated away from my usual order. i'm not sure what's it in it or how they make it but it's so good. the mango one is like an orange julius with boba. the chocolate basically tastes like melted chocolate ice-cream but that is ok with me too. what more can you ask for?

for those that haven't tried, they're having a buy two get one free deal since it's their grand opening. i HIGHLY recommend the mango snow bubble. get the point yet? mango snow bubble. but this time i'm determined to not go too often like i did with q cup and its mango icy to the point now where i no longer crave them.

my weekend of fun is over. a mini-reunion of my friends with mostly one syllable names took place the past two days. vi, xuan, eric came up from la and fullerton. loc flew down from seattle and lon, vu, tri, and yuan from san jose. friday night was ibiza. i really have become an ibiza whore. i think i've gone to ibiza six times the past two months but then again, who's counting. it's still a great club. then saturday was vu's famous ribs and oysters. if only the weather wasn't so hot but still...i'm pretty sure everyone had a great time. vicky, caro, enid, duy, caly, clayton and jimmy all came and i even got to meet several of vu's friends and co-workers. the most important event though, before i forget, was me and bren beating (by a lot but who's gloating) vi and eric in virtual tennis. as they say, practice does make perfect. and to think vi was so sure he'll win...wimbledon player i think not.

the sad part is that whenever i hang out with a large group of people for a couple of days, inevitably the minute they leave i get this lonely feeling inside and whatever happens, i just don't want to be left by myself. as i sat on the stairs watching all the clothes and backpacks and pillows slowly disappear, i realized that i really do have an issue with being alone. just can't do it. i rarely like to be home alone or if i am, i like knowing that someone at least is on the way over. i think i've blogged about this before but either way, i don't feel like dwelling on it or figuring out why that is so i won't. very mature of me don't you think?

all in all...another great weekend with clubbing, barbecue, good vietnamese food and of course the vietnamese coffeeshops. at least the one up here plays music videos for me to watch.